He Said, She Said (Part 1): Moving From Gossipers to Good Neighbors
A few years ago, a new friend invited me to lunch. I was excited to hang out and get to know her more because she seemed like someone I would become close with. We had a great time talking about life and learning about each other. Well into the conversation, she looked at me and said, “So, the reason I invited you to lunch is to talk to you about something,” in a very serious tone. My stomach dropped. I quickly racked my brain. What could I have possibly done wrong already in this newly developing friendship?
She expressed to me word got back to her about something I repeated about her that she told me in confidence. “I know we’re just getting to know each other, but if gossip is something you struggle with, I want to be a good friend and help you grow in this area,” she said. I didn’t realize what she had told me was private. I just thought it was a funny story.
Initially, I was upset and embarrassed. She barely knew me, so how could she possibly think I was a “gossip”? Why did she invite me to lunch just to bait and switch me? I apologized for revealing what she told me in confidence, but I made up my mind walking out of that lunch that I probably wouldn’t be friends with this girl anymore. I thought she was being judgemental of me after one little slip-up.
So, what happened?
It has been three years since then, and we’re still close friends. Why? Because friends don’t let each other remain comfortable in their sin. And gossip is definitely a sin. After I got over the initial sting of being “called out,” I knew this friendship would be long-lasting because she lovingly told me what I did was wrong instead of immediately cutting me out of her life.
From that moment on, the struggle with gossip became more clear to me. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would notify me whenever gossip left my mouth. Furthermore, I prayed that He would restrain me to keep it from leaving my mouth in the first place. I never meant to hurt my friend; I wanted her to trust me. I’m grateful she called me out, or else who knows how long I would have continued down this path.
It’s not that I intentionally spread rumors or wanted to be vindictive. I just lacked discernment on what should come out of my mouth and what shouldn’t. I struggled to control my tongue, especially in settings where I was venting.
So why does this matter? And what does the Bible have to say about gossip? Let’s get into it.
What is gossip?
In short, gossip is when you share information about someone absent. Gossip usually focuses on negative or even unconfirmed information. However, gossip also includes sharing information you have not been permitted to share.
Why do we gossip?
Here are a few reasons people gossip:
Validation: This happens when we feel negatively toward someone and look for others to validate our feelings or feel the same way.
Power: For some reason, having secret information about someone makes us feel more powerful and important.
False concern: Sometimes, we disguise gossip as “showing concern” for someone when really it’s nothing more than sharing information that we shouldn’t.
Vindication: This is when someone seeks revenge or intends to cause harm by sharing information.
Mindlessness: Sometimes, we genuinely don’t even realize we’re gossiping. It comes out of boredom, carelessness, or ignorance.
Gossip and emotional intelligence
Studies show that gossip often happens among people with low self-esteem, even if the low self-esteem isn’t easily identifiable because the person is good at hiding it. Habitual gossip is also a sign of low emotional intelligence and negatively affects the brain of the listener and the gossiper. It creates a false sense of relationship and closeness that doesn’t truly exist. Emotionally mature people are more likely to simply go have a conversation with someone instead of talking behind their back.
Truths about gossip from the Word of God
I was shocked when I read what the Bible says about gossip. God doesn’t take lightly any sin, including gossip. The harsh words about a gossip tell us that this is a serious offense that we should not take lightly.
Gossip is foolish - “It is foolish to belittle one’s neighbor; a sensible person keeps quiet” (Proverbs 11:12).
Gossip breaks trust - “A gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence” (Proverbs 11:13).
Gossips are troublemakers and divisive - “A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends” (Proverbs 16:28).
If our command is to love God and people, where does gossip have a place? It doesn’t have one. Loving our neighbors also includes loving them behind their backs. I’m challenging myself and my fellow believers to do better at this.
Lord, may our hearts break for what breaks yours.
In part two, we talk about how to identify gossip. See you over there.
With love,
